"Testings bring blessings and blessings bring testings," is a saying that I have used quite frequently in my life. I know that as a Christian we are faced, not only, with daily struggles but with seasons of struggle.
A little over a year ago after returning to the USA from a two month stay in Mexico, I found myself face to face with a struggle, a struggle that began with simply not knowing where I fit into my life and my country. I was not prepared for how hard my return would be on me mentally.
Satan had brought out the big guns and was waiting for me when I got home.
I had learned of demons and evil spirits that summer, and lo-and-behold God placed me in a building at school that was facing just that. I shared with a few brothers and sisters in Christ and we proceeded to pray over the building, and it was then that I realized it wasn't just the first floor physical happenings going on, but also spiritual warfare in my own life and some of my close friends. Seeking help is what I had wanted to do, but I thought I could fight it myself. I struggled reading the word and became complacent, allowing my heart to wander. Satan kept pulling out the ammunition, he was pulling strings causing me to struggle with boys, struggle with happiness, struggle with purity, struggle with friendship, struggle with everything. And by December, I was Ashamed of how I had let Satan take hold of my life. Embarrassed that I had knowingly committed sin after sin.
I clung to what I knew best. My heavenly father.
"Obey or Disobey - There is No half-way...
Disobedience = Not trying; struggle and doubt = not trusting
"he did not know the master."
Obedience = went out immediately; did something."
I remember the evening in January when I finally broke down.
"God Loves You...no matter who you are or where you are in life....What if I told you You could be free? To be free of the guilt and the shame and the consequences."
And for days I got on my knees and verbally surrendered my life to my savior.
"Father, without you I am nothing, I have failed you and I have failed myself, on this day I surrender my life to you, help my actions and my speech be pleasing to you."
God brought a few friends into my life who willingly agreed to help keep me accountable for my actions.
And then I began to feel it again.....FREEDOM.
Finally something in my life felt right again. I was able to freely (emotionally, mentally and physically) get back into daily reading in the Word.
And then I was brought into a desert place, I couldn't feel His presence, I felt empty. Forgiven, but empty. I had been in a desert before, so I knew that God had a reason, a perfect reason.
Although I had been freed, I was continually tested. "FATHER I NEED YOU," I would cry out.
I can't pinpoint the day but I have finally realized that I am okay, I'm seeing blessing trickle back into my life, little showers of rain after a drought. I feel happy. I feel blessed. And most importantly I feel love. I feel my father's love. And I feel touches of his presence.
Emotionally I feel rested, I feel like I will be able to give everything I have got to this new season in my life. Teaching. I will be student teaching this fall and I'm excited!
"Teach me to do your will, for You are my God.
May your good spirit lead me on level ground."
Psalm 143:10
"And this is love: that we walk in Obedience
to his commands... His command is
that you walk in love."
2 John v.6
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